Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
