My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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