3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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