After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
