I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
