***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
