So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
