I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
