I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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