Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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