Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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