i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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