...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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