don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
