So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
