I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
