Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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