Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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