Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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