you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You ate ashes out of my bong
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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