My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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