i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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