It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize