So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
