if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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