I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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