Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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