Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
