Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
50% drunk capacity currently
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
