I'm gonna have a badass scar
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
