If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
