I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
