Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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