you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
