I got chris browned last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
