Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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