Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize