I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
