I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
