She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to calm my uterus...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
