Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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