I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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