Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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