On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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