when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I need moral support for this bender
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
