There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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