This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
