she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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