I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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