It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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