Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
and you fell through a lawn chair
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
