He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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