Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
