you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
