I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize